Alliteration Monday

me: no

Sent at 9:31 AM on Monday

Kyle: maybe

Sent at 9:33 AM on Monday

Kyle: its inside the circle

Sent at 9:35 AM on Monday

me: shhhh

Kyle: i cant

the gnome wont allo wit

Sent at 9:45 AM on Monday

me: i hate when he doesn't allo wit

he needs to allo the wit

it's his job

Sent at 10:18 AM on Monday

Kyle: i prefer witch aloe vera

me: that only works on cold s'mores

Sent at 10:20 AM on Monday

Kyle: the sea bass has an appealing slyness

Sent at 10:36 AM on Monday

me: the scent of sea bass sends specific jetskis soaring somewhere scientists have yet to see sober

apparently it's alliteration monday

Sent at 10:41 AM on Monday

Kyle: well alliteration aside, all accurate assumptions point to an arabian aristocratic aviation alliance

Sent at 10:51 AM on Monday

me: believe me, bishop bob boasted belligerently about benign basketball beings betraying bill belichick's boobs

Sent at 10:59 AM on Monday

Kyle: prepostorous, people playing pigskin participate prudently in prevalent pilgrimages across proudly pastured parcels of passionate pooping playgrounds

Sent at 11:02 AM on Monday

me: wonderful weathermen wish wild wombats would wreck wagons weekly while whistling wu-tang words

Sent at 11:15 AM on Monday

me: damnit

meant to use whispering in there somewhere

Sent at 11:20 AM on Monday

Kyle: dont damnit, dangerous dingos delight in delicate desserts draped in dated dingleberries, dont despair, dated dingleberries deserve daily drilling drawings depicting dead dinosaurs defecating dramatically

me: hahahaha

defecating dramatically

speaking of which

brb

Florescent Velociraptors

me: need to get some pandora up in hurr

Sent at 6:36 PM on Wednesday

me: COLDPLAY RADIO: ENGAGE

Sent at 6:38 PM on Wednesday

me: florescent velociraptors

Sent at 6:41 PM on Wednesday

me: indigo boomerang

you know what's actually fun to say?

tax bracket

tttaaaax bracket

ajax

jumping jacks

thumb tacks

plumber crack

burt bacharach

Sent at 6:47 PM on Wednesday

Kyle: why are u yelling at me

im so tired

Sent at 6:48 PM on Wednesday

me: i don't know what we're yelling about

i meant to whisper

but i'm having trouble controlling THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE

Kyle: can i just fall asleep here at the desk

still have an article to write tonight

Sent at 6:50 PM on Wednesday

me: THEN no you probably shouLDN'T SLEEp at your DESK

Kyle: i hate u

me: I hate t

it's my least favorite letter

if i could, i'd replace all t's with f's

gonna do that starting now

whaf's your arficle abouf?

Sent at 6:54 PM on Wednesday

Kyle: did u have coffee or something

me: negafive

whaf should i have for dinner?

Kyle: torttellini tortuga tuna tossed taters

jackass

have fun ordering that one

me: hahahaha

Kyle: hahahahaha

Oopsie Poopsie

Me: now all i can think about is fixing the magic

16 minutes

2:29 PM Bryan: i'll fix your magic

2:31 PM me: no u wont

  no one can

 Bryan: ALLAKAZAAM

 me: ssshhh

  there are people sleeping

2:33 PM Bryan: oopsie poopsie

2:34 PM me: last time i did an oopsie poopsie i was kicked out of the matinee viewing of kung fu panda and was never allowed in baskin robbins again

2:36 PM Bryan: well you're not allowed in baskin robbins because you thought it was a red robin and demanded that everyone give you a cheeseburger and hacky sack

2:37 PM me: well i thought the cheeseburger was a hacky sack until i was arrested for veggie tossing, which apparently is illegal in that province of ukraine

2:42 PM Bryan: that's because the ukrainians, much like the muslim culture, believe their ancestors pass on to become vegetables which are to be honored and worshiped. when you started kicking cabbages at everyone it was considered to be a mass desecration of life, the size of which ukraine has never seen before. I still can't get the image of you shoving carrots up an elderly ukrainian woman's nose telling her to "SMELL THE VEGGIE TALES"

17 minutes

2:59 PM me: hahahahahhahahaa

  it was just so long

  and so many elements

  i couldnt

  come up with anything

3:03 PM Bryan: i just thinking anything involving ukrainian cabbage kicking is hilarious

 me: hahahahaa

  very true

15 minutes

3:18 PM Bryan: boss just gave me the go-ahead to wear jeans the rest of the year

3:19 PM boom

 me: ooooooooo

 Bryan: pretty excited about that

  of course i only have like 2 pairs of jeans

  so could get ugly

 me: jackass

  i have to wear shrit and tie

  altho friday is a no tie day

  u ad people

3:22 PM Bryan: no way

  no casual friday??

 me: uh

  if by casual

  u mean

  khakis and a dress shirt with no tie

  then yes

3:23 PM Bryan: oh

  well i think that's how most of the world operates

  just not mine

  :)

 me: jackass

  what u doin tonight

3:26 PM Bryan: goin to that cowgirl seahorse plase

3:27 PM margaritas and nachos

  you

 me: something involving a drink

 Bryan: ha

  true

3:29 PM i have this groupon thing for it

  so don't even have to throw down full price

17 minutes

3:46 PM me: say what

  what was i throwing down full price for

  frankily my arms hurt

  and i dont wanna be throwing anything

10 minutes

3:56 PM Bryan: i just spent the past half hour drinking budweiser and judging mustache girth

Hiatus

We shall return, better than ever.

Karma is a Funny Bitch

This past weekend one of my worst nightmares came true: my two best friends flew up to New York City to visit. This, by all rights, should have been the death of us. We've gone out drinking together many many times, but our shenanigans were always limited by our surroundings, and you can't get into too much trouble in Jacksonville Beach. But we sure tried like hell. In our short lives we've managed to steal cones, bikes, alcohol, engaged in several dance offs, driven under the influence (not proud of this one), vandalized neighborhoods (but in a nice way, not destructive), made friends with very interesting people (The Potato Man who sells purple crack), urinated and vomited in public multiple times, the list goes on and on. Most of this harmless, however at the time probably dangerous.

But this was all done within the confines of our hometown. There was the occasional trip to visit each other in college, but that was as crazy as we thought things would get. Then I moved the NYC and the possibilities became endless. I welcome you to experience my nightmare:

Thursday morning they both flew in, at the same time. I'm pretty sure they started drinking on the plane but cannot be certain. I left the fridge fully stocked for them because I am an exceptional host. They explored the city while I worked all day. As soon as I got off they were waiting outside my office, party time. First location was Off the Wagon. Good bar off of Bleecker street. The kind of bar that was crowded enough to feel like a good time but quiet enough to be able to catch up. Now that we've gotten all caught up, time to move on to the next bar, Thunder Jackson's. Here's where things get fuzzy. We've already been drinking for about 5 hours, done a few Irish car bombs and didn't really have dinner. Jarrod was the worst of us, mainly because he kept ordering shots and pounding beer. Did I mention these beers were 33oz? They were. Jarrod starts dancing, Jaeger shots are had. Jarrod steals two shots off the waitres' tray then hands here a 20, very unnecessary shots. He starts doing the Bernie. He gets the waitress to do the Bernie. For reference, watch this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TRBLmogRL4c

This is basically the last thing we remember, so the rest of the story is told from Kyle's memory. Apparently Jarrod and I left the bar for a while, which might explain the t-shirt I found in my work bag the next morning. I vaguely remember Jarrod running up to me last night and saying "quick, shove this in your bag". No idea where he got it from. Somehow we got to the McDonalds near my apartment. This is where apparently while we were in line we met some protesters, from the Occupy Wall Street movement. We'd been waiting for this moment as we're all doing just fine in our life and careers and don't understand what these protesting idiots are doing. My buddy Kyle is a lawyer, he knows how to argue. Apparently he shut the guy up several times, yet apparently the guy ended up buying our McDonalds. Which is hilarious. At some point Jarrod realized how drunk he was and started falling asleep in the restaurant. Apparently there was also a police officer on the premises, questioning Jarrod's consciousness, to which Kyle replied "oh sorry he has a sleeping disorder" and took him home. I, several minutes earlier, had told Kyle I had to go to the bathroom but apparently just went home. I had to work the next day? That's my excuse anyway. Woke up in my apartment, Kyle and Jarrod were both there, and I had a new t-shirt. Solid first night.

Friday at work was a little rough given the night ended without any recollection. However we're fucking champs, so we recovered and went out again Friday. This was the tame night. We went out for margaritas and nachos, then to go get beer. We went to quite a few bars, I still know the managers where I used to wait/bartend. So we got a few drinks for free, which is always nice. We then decided to try another neighborhood, so ventured up to LES. Didn't quite get far enough but it was late so we decided to walk back. We made a pit stop of course by the protesters for some street meat and debating. We met a nice veteran who didn't know shit about global economics, as Kyle put it. Multiple times. Since we got nowhere with him we decided to go back and try another protester. Instead we found a pumpkin sitting on an "information desk". So, naturally, we proceeded to take as many pamphlets as possible and the pumpkin. There was a man in a green jacket that I'm pretty sure caught on to us, but he did not trail us. Night two, successful, with more souvenirs.

The weekend. Finally. Saturday we decided to go to brunch since Kyle had to leave early the next morning. Did I mention Kyle had a 6am flight Sunday morning? Yeah. That's important to note. We get to brunch at 12:30 where we proceed to eat a hearty meal and down about 5 screw drivers each. During this jolly meal our conversation somehow brings up what it might be like to have sex with Hellen Keller. Which we also decide will make a great pick-up line and challenge each other to try it that night. After brunch we went back to the apartment and took a short break to regroup and get the voucher I had bought to go to a beer garden. May I just say that whoever came up with the term beer garden is a genius. We go to the beer garden for a couple hours to use the voucher and have some dinner. Decide that the atmosphere is great and we want to come back later that night to rage. Awesome.

We go home and clean up, shower, change, etc. Stephanie had a friend come over to go hang out with us, we waited for her, she showed up and we proceed to the elevator. Now, this part gets weird. We're in the elevator, all slightly drunk, when it stops to pick up an unsuspecting character. Jarrod says to him "hey there guy", except when he pronounces "guy" it sounds a helluva lot like "gay". Stephanie, already not being a fan of Jarrod takes HUGE offense to this. She thought he intentionally called the guy gay. He did not. The elevator hits the lobby, everyone gets out except for Steph and she yells out "that was bullshit, I'm not going" so I jump back in the elevator as the doors shut to figure out what the hell just happened. She mis-heard, no one else noticed. Women. Fuck. Oh well, we go out without her. We get back to the beer garden, it's hopping. A gorgeous night, perfect weather. The fire pits are flickering, bartenders are jolly and people are starting to have a good time. We head towards the tents because that's where the majority of people are, and the music sounds pretty good. We're walking through the crowd, looking around. Suddenly I notice the people around seem... different. They're all making hand gestures. Wait a second. Those aren't hand gestures, it's sign language... I grab Kyle's shoulder and say "dude, those people are deaf", to which he turned and replied "THEY'RE. ALL. DEAF." We had apparently unknowingly crashed a deaf person night out. Seriously everyone at this beer garden was talking in sigh language. Remember that Hellen Keller joke/awesome pick-up line from earlier? Yeah. Not the place to use it. This is what we get for making that joke. We turn and high tail it out of the tents and just stare at each other for a solid 20 seconds before bursting into laughter. We literally did not know what to say. So naturally, we went back in for another look. The sheer irony had us stunned. We went to order drinks, Kyle refused to use words when I asked him what he wanted to drink. He only gave me thumbs up or thumbs down. Dick.

After we were done getting our minds blown at the beer garden we moved on to Ulysses. Since it was just us men we decided to try and talk to girls. We weren't trying to get anywhere, it's just fun to flirt. Kyle ends up talking to this chick, Jarrod ends up talking to another chick, turns out they were friends. So we all start hanging out. Before we went out we had established some back stories. Jarrod was a back-up dancer for Usher, Kyle owned a few non-profit organizations in Miami, and I of course was a pro baseball player. These girls thought we were the three most interesting guys they'd ever met. So much so that they were talking about us the next day eve. How do I know this? Because the next morning when we'd all gone our separate ways, Kyle, Jarrod, and I were standing in line for bagels. Jarrod decided to do the Bernie in line for the heck of it, or because he was still drunk. Immediately after someone behind us tapped him on the shoulder "Jarrod Farmer?!" Yep. The girls we had met night before in line behind us for bagels. Conversations went a little something like this:

Girl: Sooo were you really a back up dancer for Usher?

Jarrod: haha uhhh no.

Kyle: How many non-profits did I own last night?

Other girl: Uhh I think three

All: hahahahaha

Kyle: But I do live in Miami... that part is true...

All: hahaha

(awkward silence)

You cannot make this shit up. These are the kinds of things that happen to us. OH, did I mention that about 3 hours prior to this Kyle was supposed to be on a plane to Miami? Yeah. We got home at about 3:30am, he needed to leave at 4:00am to get to the airport for a 6:30 flight. At about 3:45am we're sitting on the couch looking at each other, thinking ok we have 15 minutes before he has to leave. Aaaand next thing we know it's 6:30am and we're both still on the couch. So. Chain of events: Hellen Keller joke, bar filled with deaf people, lying about what we do, bumping into lie victims at bagel place next morning after Kyle misses flight and get totally called out. We also harassed the protesters that night after the bar, but you probably already knew that... this is our life.

SUPER PRETZEL

kyle.sheehan86: indeed

10:47 AM so jarrod send me a text saying im an asshole

10:48 AM im assuming its for the 7 voice mails i left home which were "ma, mom, mommy, momma, ma, mom, HI"

but i of course ask him "why?"

totally forgot that i had signed him up on ashleymadison.com

10:52 AM me: hmm, my company internet does not allow me to access this website

which is surprising since it pretty much has to be either porn or a terrorist support group in order to get blocked

10:53 AM kyle.sheehan86: its a website that allows married people to have affairs

hahahahaha

its like a hookupsite for married people

me: hahahahaha

10:54 AM glorious

so he's getting emails from married women now?

kyle.sheehan86: yep

me: hahahahaha

you're an evil genius

10:55 AM kyle.sheehan86: just doing my part

11:00 AM DO U UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOTH

yes i have a pet moth

got a mind of his own really

its kind of like a parrot, except instead of squawking like a parrot

he flaps his wings and does morse code
me: i once trained a caterpillar to sneeze on command

11:06 AM kyle.sheehan86: not to be confused with the sexual move "the sneezing caterpillar," which involves silly string, a forklift, a bottle of nyquil, and the soundtrack to the disney movie "fantasia"

very tricky terms ur using there

11:11 AM me: some people get lazy and instead use the soundtrack from Dumbo, which isn't a sneezing caterpillar at all, it then becomes "the grasshopper's tourniquet" which few have actually survived

11:13 AM kyle.sheehan86: and its effects can be long-lasting unfortunately, lindsey lohan was introduced on her 18th birthday and look whats happened since? studies show a donnie darko like effect, where ull turn around and there will be a giant grasshoper there eating a pretzel with mustard and giving u commands

11:17 AM me: I once saw a pretzel eating a grasshopper, which I'm told can be a side effect of wearing non-matching socks

9 minutes

11:26 AM kyle.sheehan86: Must have been one super pretzel

ha get it

11:27 AM SUPER-PRETZEL

...

me: i hear those were developed by the Nazis

11:28 AM kyle.sheehan86: that is true

they linked all the pretzels together to make the fences at auschwitz

11:29 AM ... that one prob shouldnt go up on the blog
me: wow

hahaha no

kyle.sheehan86: hahaha no idea why im laughing so much at that one

11:30 AM maybe its cuz i have this image

a sky high wall of interlinked pretzels with woody allen like hopelessly looking holding onto the pretzel fence staring out at the world

11:31 AM me: hahahahaha

pretzel prison

The Other Regan Era

kyle.sheehan86: im hungrier than the time we were on that sea-doo in lake michigan

23 minutes

10:48 AM me: well i told you to bring a fruit roll up but you insisted you'd rather eat lake water

10:52 AM kyle.sheehan86: it seemed the fresher of the two

10:53 AM how was i to know that lake michigan is where they bury canadians

the body of the ski instructor from manatoba really killed the mood

6 minutes

11:00 AM me: we saw that 60 minutes special with Jim Carrey where he explained that Canada was running out of land to grow weed because of all the burial grounds, so they've started dumping them in lake michigan, but if i recall you were too caught up in reading your latest issue of Crossdressers Weekly: The Man Inside Me to pay attention

11:01 AM kyle.sheehan86: yep, with a special editorial on drew carrey, jim carreys evil half brother

11:02 AM me: well that explains a lot

especially since no one has seen Bob Barker in 6 months

11:03 AM kyle.sheehan86: false

saw him on "I shouldn't be alive..." on the discovery channel

but it wasnt because of an accident of some sort

11:05 AM he just kept mumbling "it wasnt the wall" as they repeatedly played a clip of the challenger explosion

11:08 AM me: well they said the challenger explosion was actually a government conspiracy to test a new type animal spaying and neutering program, when that failed miserably Bob went into a mental breakdown wherein he began randomly bursting out Pink Floyd's "Another Brick in the Wall", except he changed the lyrics to say "all in all, it wasn't the wall, it was just a decorative walkway made of bricks".
kyle.sheehan86: i had heard that rumor, i believe there was also a conspiracy behind "the price is right" wherein the show actually did not pay contestants, instead it was an experiment run by the government to create an actual world of oz after nancy reagan was hypnotized by the movie and never fully recovered.

11 minutes

11:24 AM me: little do people know, that when using the term Regan Era that it was actually meant to refer to that period of time where Nancy thought she was Dorothy, Ronald was the scarecrow, Janet Reno was the tin man and Gorbachev was the cowardly lion. Once Nancy finally did snap out of it she's famously quoted as saying "I don't intend for this to take on a political tone. I'm just here for the drugs."

11:29 AM kyle.sheehan86: it has also been said that danny devito doubled as every single midget in the movie and the wicked witch of the west was played by princess diana's future dead body's ghost.

me: wow

dead princess di reference

it ends there

i can't possibly rebut that

kyle.sheehan86: hahahahhahahaha

11:30 AM dude

i halfway typed my concession to u for applying the charcters, but erased and tried to come back with something

11:31 AM me: hahaha

kyle.sheehan86: once princess di entered my mind i had to go with it

me: that's a game changer

The Farts

12:53 PM me: lancaster

12:56 PM bjduffy11: the Canadian organ donor forgot to check "after death"

 me: me and jarrod have reached an accord where in we will swap the right to toni braxton's dead corpse for helen keller's podcast

12:58 PM bjduffy11: i was under the impression that "braxton's corpse" was the name of a norwegian folk band currently touring southeast asia

9 minutes

1:08 PM me: ah you are mistaken sir. Tyra's corpse is a norweigan folk band that is touring the congo area in hopes that they can raise money for displaced refugees by showing tyra banks' photos while playing, i have heard that it only works during the banjo solo.

6 minutes

1:14 PM bjduffy11: well studies have shown that while showing pictures of tyra banks and simultaneously playing the banjo has either one of two results: A) it immediately paralyzes the victim from the waist up. What then happens is the legs take over the brain activity and begin wandering the body around aimlessly it its attempt to find the nearest foot locker, while the torso and upper body flops around helplessly B) You instantly have a desire to donate money for displaced refugees

1:17 PM me: i know the syndrome quite well, i believe the Global Society for Celebrity Named Diseases has termed it "dysenTYRA." The real question begs is whether Rockstar games received the name recommendation in time and it has passed clearance to be apart of the new Oregon Trail game in 2013, which is already underway but is hitting snags in its development because it using actual people with body sensors instead of just computerized images.

8 minutes

1:25 PM bjduffy11: So the rumors are true! I had heard from an unknown source that Rockstar was indeed designing a reboot of Oregon Trail in which the parents are played by William H Macy and Helen Mirren, and the three children to be played by Ewin McGregor, Dwayne Johnson and Alicia Silverstone. As previously mentioned it is also rumored to be set in deep South Africa and will have to overcome such obstacles as contracting horrid diseases, most notably "zomboner", "dismembered nippalia" and "twitching lillies".

1:29 PM me: fuckin a man, havent even had my post lunch coffee and u thro helen mirren at me

  like i was typing a response

  and my fingers would jsut stop moving

  had various wrotes i was going with

 bjduffy11: god save the queen

1:30 PM me: "origin trail" a cattle ride thru the heart of the middle east where u would be dodging bomb fragments, ied's, whatever, with the main character being aziz ansari

 bjduffy11: hahahaha

 me: fingers wouldnt move tho, brain couldnt process it all at once

1:31 PM well done

 bjduffy11: there was a lot going on there

  it could have gone in several different directions, i was curious to see how long we could hold out

  i'm coming out of a post burrito coma, so probably would've lost it soon

 me: and the post lunch coffee is brewing

  all about timing on that one

1:34 PM bjduffy11: i haven't been having a post lunch coffee lately

1:35 PM in fact, lately i've been running on one cup a day

  which is weird

  although it is almost time for the post lunch poop to occur

1:36 PM which is my favorite

7 minutes

1:43 PM me: ooo nice

15 minutes

1:58 PM bjduffy11: can you describe the ruckus sir

2:00 PM me: SURE CANT

2:02 PM bjduffy11: i was once considered a balloon animal sculpting prodigy

  unfortunately teh great balloon shortage of '72 cut my career short

2:05 PM me: stupid hippies kept on using them as condoms

5 minutes

2:11 PM bjduffy11: well that was because Nixon had an inherent fear of latex, so he had all condoms, gloves and elastic waistbands banned

  which led to the great rubber riots of '76

  it was an ugly time

2:12 PM sweet lord i do not feel like working

2:15 PM me: hence the term "where the rubber meets the road" because the rubber condoms would break on the road

  huh:?

  what"?

  WHERE IS MY COFFFFFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

2:16 PM my fartws

  are horrific

  wos

2:17 PM wow

  its even throwing off my typing

  TAAAAAAIPING

 bjduffy11: eeeeeaaaaaaassssssssy there cowgirl

2:18 PM make sure you check both boots for snakes before you slip them on your tootsies

2:20 PM me: the last time i was involved in an altercation with boots snakes and tootsies, i wound up in a locker room in billings, montana with athletic tape tied around both legs, a plate of filafel pitas and singing "friends in low places." I still havent been able to apply gold bond since.

2:22 PM bjduffy11: they say gold bond is made with real gold

  which is why i keep a stock pile buried in my back yard

2:23 PM me: i thought u could trade it on the bond market

  get it

  BOOONNDDD market

  or use them as currency to purchase james bond movies

 bjduffy11: UUUHHHHHHH

 me: ORRRRRRRR

  us them to stick two things together

  OOOORRRRRRR

 bjduffy11: yes

2:24 PM me: give them in exchange for a mutual connection of feelings with another person

  OOORRRRRR

 bjduffy11: i actually use them to stick two james bonds together

 me: use them to get out of jil

  which is tougher than getting out of jail

  cuz once jil has u

  ur not moving for a couple hours

2:26 PM bjduffy11: i still have nightmares of being in jil

  worst 7 hours of my life

26 minutes

2:53 PM me: my farts are just... wow

5 minutes

2:58 PM me: RRRRRRRRRRESSERREEEC RREZZZEERREEECC

3:01 PM bjduffy11: are you typing with a chain saw?

 me: fmk:
spike lee, doris burke, susan boyle

  GO

 bjduffy11: holy hell

  i just got done pooping and shit my pants after reading that

3:02 PM f doris

  k susan

  m spike

3:04 PM explanation: doris is still sorta hot, susan isn't and i hate her for making that show more popular, think i'd be ok with spending the rest of my life sitting courtside at knicks games

  that, sir, was a doozy

3:05 PM me: well explained but id be afraid of spike lee killing me cuz im white

3:06 PM bjduffy11: after seeing him sit next to john turturro at a playoff game i no longer have that fear

3:09 PM me: boob

3:11 PM bjduffy11: WHERE

 me: over there

3:12 PM bjduffy11: I DON'T SEE IT

3:14 PM PREPARE FOR DIVE

3:17 PM me: wings in

13 minutes

3:30 PM bjduffy11: Bob the builder

  CAN HE FIX IT

  bob the builder

  YES HE CAN

3:31 PM little known fact: Obama got his "Yes we can" campaign phrase from Bob The Builder

  so really, we elected Bob president

3:33 PM another sure example of the black man taking advantage of whitey

3:34 PM me: stupid freeloaders

3:38 PM bjduffy11: another little known fact: Bob has a brother in Venezuela that has a similar show "Roberto el Carnicero", which of course means "Robert the Butcher". It's very confusing to small spanish-american children as Roberto instead of fixing this is the neighborhood serial killer

  this=things*

3:40 PM i really should focus more on work

3:42 PM me: sssssmoochie the bear footed clown

3:45 PM bjduffy11: smoochie is actually smokey's older, gay brother. his tagline is "only you can prevent crotch fires"

10 minutes

3:55 PM bjduffy11: if there's one thing i learned from playing leap frog with Nazi's, it's make sure they take their helmets off first

4:00 PM me: I like to swing on the trees, swing from the trees, go up and down, round and round

10 minutes

4:11 PM bjduffy11: don't you hate it when you get a wedgie and you can't blatantly stand up and pick it

  like you have to squirm in your seat to try and loosen it from your butt cheeks

 me: horrific

4:12 PM bjduffy11: no C-Lo Green

  i don't want you stuck in my head

 me: FFFOORRGEETTTT YOU

  OOOO OOOOO OOOOOO

  I SEE U DRIVING ROUND TOWN

4:13 PM bjduffy11: stop watching me drive

 me: to the hoop

4:15 PM bjduffy11: TO THE WINDOW

4:16 PM me: left a voicemail on jarrods phone yesterday

  "the other planned parenthood"

4:19 PM bjduffy11: hahaha

  i texted him at 12:03am

  happy anniversary of sliding out your mother's wide vagina

4:24 PM me: hahahahha

  were horrific friend

4:25 PM think im gonna call him now

  and say

  "297 months ago, your father was waxing your moms ass"

4:28 PM bjduffy11: hahahaha

7 minutes

4:35 PM me: hahahahaha i did it

  his response "oh my god." and hung up

 bjduffy11: hahahahahaha

  such shitty friends

4:38 PM me: yep

 bjduffy11: like, if my kid has friends like us someday i'll think i failed as a parent

California Mountain Goat

me: Monday morning coffee tastes the best

9:18 AM kyle.sheehan86: it does taste damn good

27 minutes

9:46 AM me: Despite the delicious coffee, I do not feel like working

Maybe need a second cup

9:47 AM kyle.sheehan86: think i might join u in that

9:50 AM me: I've got a lovely bunch of coco nuts

9:51 AM kyle.sheehan86: say what

9:53 AM me: An SVP just asked me if I had a banana in my pocket or if I was happy to see her

9:54 AM So I promptly took the banana out of my pocket

But told her I was still happy to see her

kyle.sheehan86: u ok this morning

me: I certainly hope so

kyle.sheehan86: whats going on over there

sounds like a bunch of monkeys throwing their feces around

9:55 AM me: I think my allergies are fucking with me

9:57 AM Looks like a picture of a monkey fucking a coconut

Mfc is that you?

kyle.sheehan86: i dont know whats going on

me: Brett favre

9:58 AM kyle.sheehan86: thats the last time i ask for an anheuiser busch at a strip club

me: Not the bush you were expecting

kyle.sheehan86: uh no, not at all

9:59 AM was like a chia pet in a fruit basket

me: That's almost as bad as leaving your dunkaroos in a daycare

10:00 AM kyle.sheehan86: FORT KNOX!

10:03 AM me: Incubation

kyle.sheehan86: but the pint of ice cream tastes like an ikea wall calendar

10:04 AM me: That's because you forgot to mix in the astroglide

10:05 AM Its on the bottom shelf next to the lawn gnome removal cream

10:06 AM kyle.sheehan86: if the baloon sneaks up to the back of a california mountain goat, would you say that he has "upped the ante?"

10:09 AM me: On the contrary, california mountain goats are renowned for their inability to see latex, you would instead have to dump windex in a cement mixer and hope for the best

10:11 AM kyle.sheehan86: i was apparently always under the mistaken belief that cementex could only be used on the ugandan river rat during the ritualistic eating and mating season, where the river rat eats its lover after pollenating. Unfortunately, tests were inconcolusive as to whether the river rats responded to the popular mixture of wd-40 and fred flinstone sherbert popsicles

6 minutes

10:17 AM me: Ah see due to a shortage of fred flintstone sherbert popsicles I was unable to conduct this experiment, if you instead use preheated animal crackers the sheer joy of perceived cannibalism rendered these particular goats immune to all latex products, cementex products and coincidentally, waffles, which is why when exposed to windex after a thorough spin in a cement mixer gives then uncontrollable diarrhea, thus upping the ante

5 minutes

10:23 AM kyle.sheehan86: i think it all goes back to how the original balloon is perceiving the ante, if the balloon is interprting the ante as a sort of philosophical gamesmanship between two distant warlords fighting over the ponytail of the kingdom's donkey OR if they consider it a death battle between their prized trading cards, where one will surely throw down pokemon's charzard and the other knight will most certainly respond in kind with a mana flare from magic: the gathering. unfortunately, the last time this happened, the men and the viewers of the challenge were tranformed into the characters of 3rd rock from the sun, and we all know how that ended.

10:25 AM me: Hahahahaha

I humbly surrender

kyle.sheehan86: wow, good, cuz i had nothing after that

me: Pokemon and 3rd rock from the sun reference

kyle.sheehan86: im out of breath, and i had nothing left in the ank

me: I couldn't even begin to respond to that one

10:26 AM Burst out laughing on the toilet

10:28 AM kyle.sheehan86: hahahhahha

10 minutes

10:38 AM me: Hahahaha I keep rereading it

Glorious

kyle.sheehan86: hahhaha me too

10:39 AM me: I'd say its been a productive morning

8 minutes

10:48 AM kyle.sheehan86: agree