El Clerigo y Mis Pantalones

Kyle: oh

Sent at 9:30 AM on Tuesday

Kyle: hi

me: no

Sent at 9:31 AM on Tuesday

Kyle: por que?

me: por mis pantalones

Kyle: tus pantalones estas muy bien y caliente

me: yo tengo papa fritas en mis pantalones

Sent at 9:36 AM on Tuesday

Kyle: yo preferio tus pantalones con cerveza en mi mano

Sent at 9:38 AM on Tuesday

me: yo preferio su mano en mis pantalones con cerveza en mi boca

Sent at 9:40 AM on Tuesday

Kyle: silencio! y preferio tu compras cena primero

Sent at 9:41 AM on Tuesday

me: No! Primero toca mis pena, segundo con mucho simpatico

pene* lo siento por mis mal espanol senor

Sent at 9:46 AM on Tuesday

me: por favor no enfadarse

Sent at 9:47 AM on Tuesday

Kyle: no toca tu pene porque el clérigo esta aquí y lo enafada a ti cuando haco trampe

me: hahahahahahaa

i'm sorry

i just copy/pasted what you wrote into babelfish

and this is what it said "it does not touch your penis because the clergyman this here and the enafada thing when haco trampe"

Kyle: hahahaha

loosely translated as

i can't touch your penis because the clergy man is here and he gets mad when i cheat on him

me: hahahahaha

oh

i see

Kyle: believe that was our first spanish conversation

The Oscars 2012: A Running Dialogue

Bryan: I'll have to start texting you instea dof tweeting all my horrible jokes.
Me: Billy Crystal's opening was eh, like an old dude who thinks he still has game trying to play ball with a bunch of young players.
Bryan: I like how you can hear his robot voice slightly muffled

::OLD FILM MONTAGE #1::

Bryan: They just equated Titanic to Twilight. Kill me.
Me: What is the point of this?

::CHRYSTAL BEFORE J LO DIAZ DEBACLE::
Bryan: That's the funniest thing he's said so far.
Me: J Lo looks like a Swan
Bryan: A swan with nipples
Me: Swans dont have nipples?
Bryan: I don't know, have you ever seen a swan with nipples?
::AWKWARD J LO DIAZ PART WHERE DIAZ LOOKS LIKE SHE HAS NO ASS COMPARED TO J LO::
Me: What just happened?
Bryan: I'm not entirely sure. Think they were facing the wrong way without realizing it
Me: Costume designer winner is gay. Earth shattering.

::WHAT DO FILMS MEAN TO YOU STUPID MONTAGE #1::
Bryan: Did they have to track down Morgan Freeman at a golf course for this?
Bryan: Who let Adam Sandler in?
Me: He disguised himself as the fat chick from bridesmaids.
Byan: Well played.

Me: How was The Natural not nominated for best picture, or a league of their own. The Oscars are a sham.
Bryan: Wow that is a great point. Sports movies in general get overlooked, except for you know, The Blind Slide.

::Let the record show that this was the beginning of the anger/bitter feeling that would begin to take in full effect once French people started waltzing their half drunken asses to the stage… Still bitter::

Me: Calling it now, Jeremy Lin movie will be next sports movie nominated for best picture.
Bryan: Think Sandra Bullock is Chinese for worthless hack.

::Jury still out as to what that means::

Me: Killing me I'm missing Walking Dead right noe.
Bryan: If the Iranian film doesn't' win we have an oil war on our hands.
Bryan: Obama rigged it.
Bryan: Uh oh. Don't get political… doooooooonnnt get political
Bryan: I know. ditto

::this begins the portion of the evening where alcohol begins to take their long awaited affects, the alcohol and bitter/angry portion will combine later, again because of the French::

Me: That was best joke of the night, Super Tuesday. well done.
Bryan: Halle Berry got fat.
Me: I think Halle Berry ate the actress from precious.

::this did not receive same reaction as earlier's Adam Sandler/Fat Chick from Bridesmaids joke, although I contend it was in fact better, but this is the Oscars so I guess that's about right::

Bryan: Whether Clooney or Pitt wins, we all win.
Me: Coulnd't agree more. both damn good looking.
Me: Why are people Flying?

:: Circus de Soleil portion bit::

Bryan: Downey needs to host this thing.
Me: Could not agree more.
Me: Donkey Joke.
Me: hahahaha
Bryan: Chris Rock is amazing
Bryan: Chris Rock is amazing

::second evidence of alcohol influence, that or Bryan does not think black people can hear anything the first time::

Me: So good

:: And the award for most random attempt at joke of the evening goes to… ::

Bryan: Chico and Rita also the name of the spanish porn opera I watch on Wednesday's.

::clear cut winner on the day::

Me: Chris Rock is starting to look like Morgan Freeman
Bryan: hahahahha

::funny, but true, just go back and watch it::

Me: Ben Stiller had a great tan
Bryan: He does, but Emma Stone is pretty pale also.
Me: Come on Jonah Hill, I need volleyball to win something.
Bryan: Volleyball?
Me: Moneyball
Me: I need to see Warrior.
Bryan: me too.
Me: Is that Nick Nolte or Sean Connery?
Bryan: Ah. Nick Nolte doesn't know how to not be frightening and questionably sober.

::And the award for best out of context statement goes to…::
Me: I love a good manly speech

Bryan: I'm hoping to hear some dubstep at the Oscars this year.

Me: Fuck Marry Kill: Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Jon Hamm
Bryan Duffy: I refuse to answer that.

::let the record show, the refusal was not because it was between all men, but because he could not possibly kill one of them, and decide one over the other to share sexual relations with::

Me: hahahhahaha
Me: Tyler Perry joke, I liked it.
Bryan: Chrystal killed that.
Bryan: I'm out of beer and we're only like halfway thru. Shit.
Bryan: it me or did billy crystal sound surprised that Owen Wilson is still alive.

::Ferrell Galifinakis Bit::
Bryan: hahahahahaha
Me: yyyyyyeeererrrssssss
Me: This makes me happy
Me: Guy from Forgetting Sarah MArshall was so happy, love that dude.
Bryan: that was an amazing presentation
Bryan: Jason Segull I think his name is
Me: Yea
Bryan: Edit* Seagull*
Bryan: Edit* Seagull*

::apparently hes an aquatic loving bird who Bryan believes can hear just as poorly as black people::

Me: God Angelina Jolie is so hot
Bryan: Yes she is

::let's get one thing across, she is hotter than Aniston, why? because you're not sure whether you'd make it out alive during a sexual encounter with her… that's why::

::screenplayer writing thingy::

Me: Isn't the dude on right form mad TV?
Bryan: uhhh I dknow one of them is from beerfest and a capital one commercial
Me: crazy he just won an Oscar for writing
Bryan: Yeah, wasn't expecting that.

::anyone else find this odd?::

Me: Sacha Bare Cohen is hysterical
Bryan: He's a comedic genius
Bryan: it really is a shame I don't have more followers. I'm tweeting the shit out of this show.
Me: Google plus pulling out the big guns.

::they're best commercial was the muppet one, by a landslide::

Me: Time for another drink?
Bryan: I just switched to wine. I say yes.

::The answer is always yes…::

::crazy italian lady who had killer eyes comes on tv::
Me: If eyes could fuck, shed be raping millions right now
Bryan: Not me, I consented.

Me: Tom Cruise will always be amazing cause he does his own stunts.
Bryan: True.
Me: Did SNL liek decide: were just not gonna use Kristin Wig's talent, isntead let's kill our show by getting that guy from Keenan and Kel and keep hoping Tina Fey comes back?""
Bryan: Ms. Piggy is getting a lot of screen time tonight.
Me: I think Sandra Bullock cries for 16 hours a day.
Bryan: Her best role was play someone whole deserves an oscar.

::Huh? was it supposed to be whose? sounds better as whole::

Me: Dude on left for short film award looks like lead singer of Matchbox 20
Me: Rob something
Bryan: OMG he does… Rob… something.

::aside from our horrific name memory, go look at this clip, trust me, look exactly alike::

::ladies in blue handing out popcorn - stupid::

Me: So the cast of cancelled show Pan Am got gigs at Oscars serving pot laced popcorn during commercial brakes
Bryan:hahahhaa
Bryan: all I know is I have less desire to see Bridesmaids as the evening goes on.

::And the winner for most random accusation of the evening goes to…::

Bryan: I just accued John Cusack of being an alcholic on twitter.
Me: Someone needs to start getting the truth out there.
Bryan: I think were going to have to stop shaving and develop accents.

::This now brings us to the freak out portion of the evening::
Me at 10:57 p.m.: How are we navigating Walking Dead !?!???!!*!*!*!
Bryan: I don't know damnit
Me: Are we watching, waiting till next week? Decide Man!
Me: Hurry
Bryan Duffy: I'm watching Oscars, will watch Walking Dead next week.
Me: I shall do the same, I feel like we're cheating, I know it's the best decision, but I feel dirty about it.
Bryan: shhhh it's ok
Me: now it's sad time
Bryan: Yep

::this concludes the freak out portion of the evening::

Me: Whitney back from dead singing during her own death montage
Bryan: Nope, black singing q-tip.

Me: Saddest out of all those is Tim Hetherington
Bryan: Not after that Liz Taylor cleavage shot.
Me: Hetherington was the shit.
Bryan: Don't know who that is even. (?) MORE WINE.

Me: Not sure how I feel about Michelle Williams haircut.
Bryan: I thought that was Jude Law.

::Jude Law joke would have won Golden Globe::

::And the winner for best possible comparison is…::
Me: Is Ashley Judd the female version of Liam Neeson?
Bryan: Hmmmm…
::apparently the category was left undecided::

Me: Clooney or Pitt better win Damnit
Bryan: It won't affect their orgy afterwards either way.
Me: It'll affect mine.
Bryan: Tell your mother I said hi
Bryan: sorry….

Bryan: Pitt shouldve won for benjamin button
Me: Agreed. Now I'm angry.

::We have now entered the combo intoxication/anger/bitterness portion of the evening::

Me: Now this french douchebag is on stage.
Me: speak your debt ridden euro language
::WHAT???::
Bryan: you need to chill the fuck out before I put this between my legs
::DOUBLE WHAT??::
Me: He prob smells
Me: wait what happened
Me: Great
Me: Now the French are yelling.
Bryan: Phone isn't on vibrate. I mean it is. I mean the Oscar has a vibrate setting. I mean nvm.
::Confusion::
Me: Only thing you've won is not croissants
Me: More
Me: Who'se the voice on Hyundai commercials
Bryan: The dude
Me: Sounds like Jeff Bridges from Big Lebowski
Me: Ok so I'm not going insane.
Bryan: Uhhh… The dude.

::DRINK AND WATCH THE OSCARS!?!?!?!? BRILLIANT!::

Me: I love Ellen
Bryan: uhhh…
Bryan: Steph just said she's the Bill Cosby of Lesbians.
Me: Interesting.

::Best Actress::
Me: I think Michele is hot even with hair.
Bryan: doesn't do it for me. Meryl deserved it.
me: Tom Cruise looks younger than me. How is this possible?
Bryan: No. Idea.

::Best Picture::
Me: Fuck this.
Me: Bull Shit
Me: Great Speech asshole. Now I'm angry. Should have watched Walking Dead.
Bryan: Knew this was gonna happen.
Bryan at 11:41 p.m., 41 minutes into new Walking Dead episode: Watching Walking Dead now.
Me: Why would you watch it now?
Bryan: Cuz I needed to redeem what I just watched.
Bryan: Oh shit don't watch Walking Dead.

::Next Morning::
Me: No
Bryan: I don't wanna
Me: Make it go away
Bryan: I didn't order the tuna
Me: It's too loud

MS Walk Volunteer Drunk Play By Play

Kyle volunteered for an MS walk this morning. He was quite possibly still drunk from the night before because I woke up with 24 texts, beginning at 6:00 a.m. Here they are, in succession.

6:05am: Volunteering at ms walk, and yes I'm still drunk off whiskey let's cure disease whoooooo
6:14am: This is your drunken volunteer play by play
6:19am: Currently in port o potty truck directing non English speaking man toward places to drop off port o potty
6:38am: Mass confusion pertaining to the diff between north and south river drive
6:55am: We have found first destination
6:55am: The smell is something to be desired
6:56am: Pretty sure I smell like whiskey, thus causing doubt as to the correctness of my decision making
6:59am: You know these things are more complicated than you would think
7:00am: I wonder if its possible for me to get fat
7:00am: Ok back on the portable human waste disposal train
7:02am: If I fart, will anyone be able to tell?
7:09am: Kyle has blown off directions and has started his own port o potty delivery methods
7:09am: I've gone rogue
7:10am: Jury still out regarding my intoxication level
7:11am: I will however be drinking after this to celebrate the fact I was up at 5 a.m.
7:12am: Hard hats aren't as comfortable as you would think
7:12am: Don't think port o potty man appreciated me trying on his hat
7:15am: All delivered, I'm a port o potty genius
7:19am: Why is this so complicated
7:21am: Mombo number five
7:22am: I smell like poop
7:48am: Original pancake house cooking us pancakes
7:49am: Why do they need us to taste test, shouldn't they be skilled pancake makers
8:56am: Yawn

Sugar Hai

me: i just consumed a lot of sugar

Kyle: doing what

i hope not injecting pixie stix like u did during that episode of boy meets world

me: I THOUGHT THEY WERE MADE BY ACTUAL PIXIES

Sent at 12:14 PM on Thursday

me: i can literally feel my heart speeding up

Kyle: whatd u eat/drink

uhh i had two of those peanut butter cookies with the hershey kiss in the middle

love those fucking things

and then a brownie topped with like chocolate chips, marshmallow, sprinkles, and multiple other sources of sugar

Sent at 12:22 PM on Thursday

Kyle: drink some water

relax urself sir

Sent at 12:24 PM on Thursday

me: TELL THE MONGOOSE TO STOP LOOKING AT ME

Sent at 12:30 PM on Thursday

me: lanolin?

maybe don't wear a bra next time

Kyle: oh jesus

warning

me: uhhhhh

no

wait

wait

stoppit

ok go

nope too late

lost your turn

Kyle: we have a sugar induced random conversation overload on our hands here people

me: PUT THE GOPHER IN THE HAMPER

Kyle: please provide 3 liters of water, a can of salted peanuts, and a rabbit wearing a tuxedo immediately

gonna need a couple reinforcements on this one

me: HAS ANYONE SEEN MY SLINKY

Kyle: its worse than i thought

hes calling for the slinky

everyone remembers what happened last time, 600 dollars worth of landscaping damage to the mayors house

hit the sirens

me: BAYER

MAYOR

BEAR

SPRAYER

STAIR

AWARE

BOTTLENOSE

Sent at 12:34 PM on Thursday

me: myyy bologna has a first name it's I M G O N N A M U R D E R E V E R Y D U M P L I N G I S E E

i can't spell

speel

splee

saple

Kyle: hes spelling

thats it

put him down

me: staplesstripes

Kyle: no one else needs to see this

give em the strong tranq

me: dumblecake

what?

what happened

i blacked out

why is everyone screaming at me to put down the helicopter

Kyle: we had to put u down for awhile

u were threatening to go marilyn monroe

me: wow

i didn't mean for it to get out of hand

i mean usually i just go judy garland

and we only have to re-construct the library

don't know what was in those cookies
Kyle: apparently crack

Oompa Loompas

me: you shut your damn mouth

right now

Kyle: hey

u cant talk to me like that when i have two crab legs in my mouth

Sent at 11:43 AM on Monday

Kyle: im a wee bit tired

Sent at 11:45 AM on Monday

me: twinkle twinkle little star

Kyle: peanut brittle is for underappreciated blacksmith's

me: smith is white

Sent at 11:50 AM on Monday

Kyle: u also last night said that referring to someone as "black" was "cursing"

me: hahahaha

yyyyep

Sent at 11:51 AM on Monday

me: twitter should probably be taken away from me

Sent at 12:03 PM on Monday

Kyle: so should the oompa loompa

me: no

the oompa loompa is essential

Kyle: maybe to ur wheatgrass experiment, but the neighbors quality of life sure has gone down

Sent at 12:06 PM on Monday

me: it's not my fault the oompa loompas think the neighbor's cat is delicious and keep taking bites out of it
Kyle: I DONT THINK YOU WERE PREPARED FOR THIS FRUIT PRESERVATIVE SPREAD!

me: well i was prepared, just not for where you put it

Kyle: u asked for the sandusky special

ew

i didnt even feel good typing that

me: haha

wow

yeah
Kyle: i had some weird disconnect

between my brain and my fingers

where they were arguing about whether to type it

"its funny, its sick, my fingers are moving, i dont actually want to press enter"

Swiss Yogurt

me: titty sprinkles

Sent at 9:44 AM on Thursday

Kyle: maybe

Sent at 9:48 AM on Thursday

Kyle: i dont think ceasar ever intended for it to end like that

Sent at 10:16 AM on Thursday

me: just called some lady in switzerland

she sounded kinda hot with her accent

and she giggled a lot

Kyle: hahahahha

Sent at 10:41 AM on Thursday

Kyle: last time i asked for a swiss army knife over the phone, two postal workers showed up five minutes later with a hamster cage in one hand and 3 pounds of yogurt in the other. Took me 3 separate neck surgeries to finally feel right again.

Sent at 10:42 AM on Thursday

Kyle: I have an urgent and life changing news announcement

IT IS NATIONAL BAGEL DAY

NATIONAL

BAGEL

DAY

Sent at 10:59 AM on Thursday

me: damnit

did my time expire to respond to swiss army knife?

because i had something, but got interrupted while proof reading

Kyle: haha

no

ill allow it

i interrupted with national bagel day

which i feel like we still need to address

me: we will

but:

Well that's because in Switzerland they use their army knives to make hamster yogurt, which they call "hamgurt". It's a national delicacy and frankly rude to not eat it. Unfortunately it also requires a certain form that is ingrained into the Swiss people since birth, which is why you unknowingly were doing it all wrong and harmed your neck. The process is as follows: the bucket of yogurt must be placed between your legs while you stuff the hamster down your shirt, it's tradition to let the hamster find its own way from your clothing to the bucket. If the hamster finds its way into your anus this is considered to be one of the highest honors of the Swiss, and you are at once named "Lord of Hamsterbottom". If the hamster finds its way to the bucket you use the corkscrew setting on the knife to churn the ingredients for 2 and a half hours, stopping every 15 minutes to shout "BY THE POWER OF GRAPEFRUIT I CHURN THEE". Once this process is complete the hamgurt is nearly ready, but it can only be blessed by Justin Beiber since he is Lord of All Lords of Hamsterbottom

i rushed the last part

Kyle: sweet mother

me: so anyway

now i want a bagel and some yogurt

Sent at 11:09 AM on Thursday

Kyle: the process u just described sounds a lot like the butter marriage ritual of slovakia, I hope you have not confused the two. I was unaware of the ritual when visiting the haberdashery, so you can understand my horror when I passed a barrel full of the batter and did not perform the ritualistic nose touch. Butter Batter on your beak is beautifully beloved by slovakian barons because butter batter balances the body's biology, removing beleaguring blemishes before blemishes become bothersome.

me: wow

you went alliteration on me

Kyle: i did

me: i honestly do not know how to respond