Sent at 9:44 AM on Thursday
Kyle: maybe
Sent at 9:48 AM on Thursday
Kyle: i dont think ceasar ever intended for it to end like that
Sent at 10:16 AM on Thursday
me: just called some lady in switzerland
she sounded kinda hot with her accent
and she giggled a lot
Kyle: hahahahha
Sent at 10:41 AM on Thursday
Kyle: last time i asked for a swiss army knife over the phone, two postal workers showed up five minutes later with a hamster cage in one hand and 3 pounds of yogurt in the other. Took me 3 separate neck surgeries to finally feel right again.
Sent at 10:42 AM on Thursday
Kyle: I have an urgent and life changing news announcement
IT IS NATIONAL BAGEL DAY
NATIONAL
BAGEL
DAY
Sent at 10:59 AM on Thursday
me: damnit
did my time expire to respond to swiss army knife?
because i had something, but got interrupted while proof reading
Kyle: haha
no
ill allow it
i interrupted with national bagel day
which i feel like we still need to address
me: we will
but:
Well that's because in Switzerland they use their army knives to make hamster yogurt, which they call "hamgurt". It's a national delicacy and frankly rude to not eat it. Unfortunately it also requires a certain form that is ingrained into the Swiss people since birth, which is why you unknowingly were doing it all wrong and harmed your neck. The process is as follows: the bucket of yogurt must be placed between your legs while you stuff the hamster down your shirt, it's tradition to let the hamster find its own way from your clothing to the bucket. If the hamster finds its way into your anus this is considered to be one of the highest honors of the Swiss, and you are at once named "Lord of Hamsterbottom". If the hamster finds its way to the bucket you use the corkscrew setting on the knife to churn the ingredients for 2 and a half hours, stopping every 15 minutes to shout "BY THE POWER OF GRAPEFRUIT I CHURN THEE". Once this process is complete the hamgurt is nearly ready, but it can only be blessed by Justin Beiber since he is Lord of All Lords of Hamsterbottom
i rushed the last part
Kyle: sweet mother
me: so anyway
now i want a bagel and some yogurt
Sent at 11:09 AM on Thursday
Kyle: the process u just described sounds a lot like the butter marriage ritual of slovakia, I hope you have not confused the two. I was unaware of the ritual when visiting the haberdashery, so you can understand my horror when I passed a barrel full of the batter and did not perform the ritualistic nose touch. Butter Batter on your beak is beautifully beloved by slovakian barons because butter batter balances the body's biology, removing beleaguring blemishes before blemishes become bothersome.
me: wow
you went alliteration on me
Kyle: i did
me: i honestly do not know how to respond
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