SUPER PRETZEL

kyle.sheehan86: indeed

10:47 AM so jarrod send me a text saying im an asshole

10:48 AM im assuming its for the 7 voice mails i left home which were "ma, mom, mommy, momma, ma, mom, HI"

but i of course ask him "why?"

totally forgot that i had signed him up on ashleymadison.com

10:52 AM me: hmm, my company internet does not allow me to access this website

which is surprising since it pretty much has to be either porn or a terrorist support group in order to get blocked

10:53 AM kyle.sheehan86: its a website that allows married people to have affairs

hahahahaha

its like a hookupsite for married people

me: hahahahaha

10:54 AM glorious

so he's getting emails from married women now?

kyle.sheehan86: yep

me: hahahahaha

you're an evil genius

10:55 AM kyle.sheehan86: just doing my part

11:00 AM DO U UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOTH

yes i have a pet moth

got a mind of his own really

its kind of like a parrot, except instead of squawking like a parrot

he flaps his wings and does morse code
me: i once trained a caterpillar to sneeze on command

11:06 AM kyle.sheehan86: not to be confused with the sexual move "the sneezing caterpillar," which involves silly string, a forklift, a bottle of nyquil, and the soundtrack to the disney movie "fantasia"

very tricky terms ur using there

11:11 AM me: some people get lazy and instead use the soundtrack from Dumbo, which isn't a sneezing caterpillar at all, it then becomes "the grasshopper's tourniquet" which few have actually survived

11:13 AM kyle.sheehan86: and its effects can be long-lasting unfortunately, lindsey lohan was introduced on her 18th birthday and look whats happened since? studies show a donnie darko like effect, where ull turn around and there will be a giant grasshoper there eating a pretzel with mustard and giving u commands

11:17 AM me: I once saw a pretzel eating a grasshopper, which I'm told can be a side effect of wearing non-matching socks

9 minutes

11:26 AM kyle.sheehan86: Must have been one super pretzel

ha get it

11:27 AM SUPER-PRETZEL

...

me: i hear those were developed by the Nazis

11:28 AM kyle.sheehan86: that is true

they linked all the pretzels together to make the fences at auschwitz

11:29 AM ... that one prob shouldnt go up on the blog
me: wow

hahaha no

kyle.sheehan86: hahaha no idea why im laughing so much at that one

11:30 AM maybe its cuz i have this image

a sky high wall of interlinked pretzels with woody allen like hopelessly looking holding onto the pretzel fence staring out at the world

11:31 AM me: hahahahaha

pretzel prison