The Farts

12:53 PM me: lancaster

12:56 PM bjduffy11: the Canadian organ donor forgot to check "after death"

 me: me and jarrod have reached an accord where in we will swap the right to toni braxton's dead corpse for helen keller's podcast

12:58 PM bjduffy11: i was under the impression that "braxton's corpse" was the name of a norwegian folk band currently touring southeast asia

9 minutes

1:08 PM me: ah you are mistaken sir. Tyra's corpse is a norweigan folk band that is touring the congo area in hopes that they can raise money for displaced refugees by showing tyra banks' photos while playing, i have heard that it only works during the banjo solo.

6 minutes

1:14 PM bjduffy11: well studies have shown that while showing pictures of tyra banks and simultaneously playing the banjo has either one of two results: A) it immediately paralyzes the victim from the waist up. What then happens is the legs take over the brain activity and begin wandering the body around aimlessly it its attempt to find the nearest foot locker, while the torso and upper body flops around helplessly B) You instantly have a desire to donate money for displaced refugees

1:17 PM me: i know the syndrome quite well, i believe the Global Society for Celebrity Named Diseases has termed it "dysenTYRA." The real question begs is whether Rockstar games received the name recommendation in time and it has passed clearance to be apart of the new Oregon Trail game in 2013, which is already underway but is hitting snags in its development because it using actual people with body sensors instead of just computerized images.

8 minutes

1:25 PM bjduffy11: So the rumors are true! I had heard from an unknown source that Rockstar was indeed designing a reboot of Oregon Trail in which the parents are played by William H Macy and Helen Mirren, and the three children to be played by Ewin McGregor, Dwayne Johnson and Alicia Silverstone. As previously mentioned it is also rumored to be set in deep South Africa and will have to overcome such obstacles as contracting horrid diseases, most notably "zomboner", "dismembered nippalia" and "twitching lillies".

1:29 PM me: fuckin a man, havent even had my post lunch coffee and u thro helen mirren at me

  like i was typing a response

  and my fingers would jsut stop moving

  had various wrotes i was going with

 bjduffy11: god save the queen

1:30 PM me: "origin trail" a cattle ride thru the heart of the middle east where u would be dodging bomb fragments, ied's, whatever, with the main character being aziz ansari

 bjduffy11: hahahaha

 me: fingers wouldnt move tho, brain couldnt process it all at once

1:31 PM well done

 bjduffy11: there was a lot going on there

  it could have gone in several different directions, i was curious to see how long we could hold out

  i'm coming out of a post burrito coma, so probably would've lost it soon

 me: and the post lunch coffee is brewing

  all about timing on that one

1:34 PM bjduffy11: i haven't been having a post lunch coffee lately

1:35 PM in fact, lately i've been running on one cup a day

  which is weird

  although it is almost time for the post lunch poop to occur

1:36 PM which is my favorite

7 minutes

1:43 PM me: ooo nice

15 minutes

1:58 PM bjduffy11: can you describe the ruckus sir

2:00 PM me: SURE CANT

2:02 PM bjduffy11: i was once considered a balloon animal sculpting prodigy

  unfortunately teh great balloon shortage of '72 cut my career short

2:05 PM me: stupid hippies kept on using them as condoms

5 minutes

2:11 PM bjduffy11: well that was because Nixon had an inherent fear of latex, so he had all condoms, gloves and elastic waistbands banned

  which led to the great rubber riots of '76

  it was an ugly time

2:12 PM sweet lord i do not feel like working

2:15 PM me: hence the term "where the rubber meets the road" because the rubber condoms would break on the road

  huh:?

  what"?

  WHERE IS MY COFFFFFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

2:16 PM my fartws

  are horrific

  wos

2:17 PM wow

  its even throwing off my typing

  TAAAAAAIPING

 bjduffy11: eeeeeaaaaaaassssssssy there cowgirl

2:18 PM make sure you check both boots for snakes before you slip them on your tootsies

2:20 PM me: the last time i was involved in an altercation with boots snakes and tootsies, i wound up in a locker room in billings, montana with athletic tape tied around both legs, a plate of filafel pitas and singing "friends in low places." I still havent been able to apply gold bond since.

2:22 PM bjduffy11: they say gold bond is made with real gold

  which is why i keep a stock pile buried in my back yard

2:23 PM me: i thought u could trade it on the bond market

  get it

  BOOONNDDD market

  or use them as currency to purchase james bond movies

 bjduffy11: UUUHHHHHHH

 me: ORRRRRRRR

  us them to stick two things together

  OOOORRRRRRR

 bjduffy11: yes

2:24 PM me: give them in exchange for a mutual connection of feelings with another person

  OOORRRRRR

 bjduffy11: i actually use them to stick two james bonds together

 me: use them to get out of jil

  which is tougher than getting out of jail

  cuz once jil has u

  ur not moving for a couple hours

2:26 PM bjduffy11: i still have nightmares of being in jil

  worst 7 hours of my life

26 minutes

2:53 PM me: my farts are just... wow

5 minutes

2:58 PM me: RRRRRRRRRRESSERREEEC RREZZZEERREEECC

3:01 PM bjduffy11: are you typing with a chain saw?

 me: fmk:
spike lee, doris burke, susan boyle

  GO

 bjduffy11: holy hell

  i just got done pooping and shit my pants after reading that

3:02 PM f doris

  k susan

  m spike

3:04 PM explanation: doris is still sorta hot, susan isn't and i hate her for making that show more popular, think i'd be ok with spending the rest of my life sitting courtside at knicks games

  that, sir, was a doozy

3:05 PM me: well explained but id be afraid of spike lee killing me cuz im white

3:06 PM bjduffy11: after seeing him sit next to john turturro at a playoff game i no longer have that fear

3:09 PM me: boob

3:11 PM bjduffy11: WHERE

 me: over there

3:12 PM bjduffy11: I DON'T SEE IT

3:14 PM PREPARE FOR DIVE

3:17 PM me: wings in

13 minutes

3:30 PM bjduffy11: Bob the builder

  CAN HE FIX IT

  bob the builder

  YES HE CAN

3:31 PM little known fact: Obama got his "Yes we can" campaign phrase from Bob The Builder

  so really, we elected Bob president

3:33 PM another sure example of the black man taking advantage of whitey

3:34 PM me: stupid freeloaders

3:38 PM bjduffy11: another little known fact: Bob has a brother in Venezuela that has a similar show "Roberto el Carnicero", which of course means "Robert the Butcher". It's very confusing to small spanish-american children as Roberto instead of fixing this is the neighborhood serial killer

  this=things*

3:40 PM i really should focus more on work

3:42 PM me: sssssmoochie the bear footed clown

3:45 PM bjduffy11: smoochie is actually smokey's older, gay brother. his tagline is "only you can prevent crotch fires"

10 minutes

3:55 PM bjduffy11: if there's one thing i learned from playing leap frog with Nazi's, it's make sure they take their helmets off first

4:00 PM me: I like to swing on the trees, swing from the trees, go up and down, round and round

10 minutes

4:11 PM bjduffy11: don't you hate it when you get a wedgie and you can't blatantly stand up and pick it

  like you have to squirm in your seat to try and loosen it from your butt cheeks

 me: horrific

4:12 PM bjduffy11: no C-Lo Green

  i don't want you stuck in my head

 me: FFFOORRGEETTTT YOU

  OOOO OOOOO OOOOOO

  I SEE U DRIVING ROUND TOWN

4:13 PM bjduffy11: stop watching me drive

 me: to the hoop

4:15 PM bjduffy11: TO THE WINDOW

4:16 PM me: left a voicemail on jarrods phone yesterday

  "the other planned parenthood"

4:19 PM bjduffy11: hahaha

  i texted him at 12:03am

  happy anniversary of sliding out your mother's wide vagina

4:24 PM me: hahahahha

  were horrific friend

4:25 PM think im gonna call him now

  and say

  "297 months ago, your father was waxing your moms ass"

4:28 PM bjduffy11: hahahaha

7 minutes

4:35 PM me: hahahahaha i did it

  his response "oh my god." and hung up

 bjduffy11: hahahahahaha

  such shitty friends

4:38 PM me: yep

 bjduffy11: like, if my kid has friends like us someday i'll think i failed as a parent