Friday, May 27, 2011

California Mountain Goat

me: Monday morning coffee tastes the best
9:18 AM kyle.sheehan86: it does taste damn good

27 minutes
9:46 AM me: Despite the delicious coffee, I do not feel like working
Maybe need a second cup
9:47 AM kyle.sheehan86: think i might join u in that
9:50 AM me: I've got a lovely bunch of coco nuts
9:51 AM kyle.sheehan86: say what
9:53 AM me: An SVP just asked me if I had a banana in my pocket or if I was happy to see her
9:54 AM So I promptly took the banana out of my pocket
But told her I was still happy to see her
kyle.sheehan86: u ok this morning
me: I certainly hope so
kyle.sheehan86: whats going on over there
sounds like a bunch of monkeys throwing their feces around
9:55 AM me: I think my allergies are fucking with me
9:57 AM Looks like a picture of a monkey fucking a coconut
Mfc is that you?
kyle.sheehan86: i dont know whats going on
me: Brett favre
9:58 AM kyle.sheehan86: thats the last time i ask for an anheuiser busch at a strip club
me: Not the bush you were expecting
kyle.sheehan86: uh no, not at all
9:59 AM was like a chia pet in a fruit basket
me: That's almost as bad as leaving your dunkaroos in a daycare
10:00 AM kyle.sheehan86: FORT KNOX!
10:03 AM me: Incubation
kyle.sheehan86: but the pint of ice cream tastes like an ikea wall calendar
10:04 AM me: That's because you forgot to mix in the astroglide
10:05 AM Its on the bottom shelf next to the lawn gnome removal cream
10:06 AM kyle.sheehan86: if the baloon sneaks up to the back of a california mountain goat, would you say that he has "upped the ante?"
10:09 AM me: On the contrary, california mountain goats are renowned for their inability to see latex, you would instead have to dump windex in a cement mixer and hope for the best
10:11 AM kyle.sheehan86: i was apparently always under the mistaken belief that cementex could only be used on the ugandan river rat during the ritualistic eating and mating season, where the river rat eats its lover after pollenating. Unfortunately, tests were inconcolusive as to whether the river rats responded to the popular mixture of wd-40 and fred flinstone sherbert popsicles

6 minutes
10:17 AM me: Ah see due to a shortage of fred flintstone sherbert popsicles I was unable to conduct this experiment, if you instead use preheated animal crackers the sheer joy of perceived cannibalism rendered these particular goats immune to all latex products, cementex products and coincidentally, waffles, which is why when exposed to windex after a thorough spin in a cement mixer gives then uncontrollable diarrhea, thus upping the ante

5 minutes
10:23 AM kyle.sheehan86: i think it all goes back to how the original balloon is perceiving the ante, if the balloon is interprting the ante as a sort of philosophical gamesmanship between two distant warlords fighting over the ponytail of the kingdom's donkey OR if they consider it a death battle between their prized trading cards, where one will surely throw down pokemon's charzard and the other knight will most certainly respond in kind with a mana flare from magic: the gathering. unfortunately, the last time this happened, the men and the viewers of the challenge were tranformed into the characters of 3rd rock from the sun, and we all know how that ended.
10:25 AM me: Hahahahaha
I humbly surrender
kyle.sheehan86: wow, good, cuz i had nothing after that
me: Pokemon and 3rd rock from the sun reference
kyle.sheehan86: im out of breath, and i had nothing left in the ank
me: I couldn't even begin to respond to that one
10:26 AM Burst out laughing on the toilet
10:28 AM kyle.sheehan86: hahahhahha

10 minutes
10:38 AM me: Hahahaha I keep rereading it
Glorious
kyle.sheehan86: hahhaha me too
10:39 AM me: I'd say its been a productive morning

8 minutes
10:48 AM kyle.sheehan86: agree

Monday, May 23, 2011

Compilation Post

kyle.sheehan86: shomer shabbas
10:21 AM me: The dude abides
10:26 AM kyle.sheehan86: im on the verge of making a decision ur not gonna like
10:27 AM me: You're getting that sex change aren't you
kyle.sheehan86: it starts with an i
10:28 AM me: Hmmm
Intercourse?
IHOP?
kyle.sheehan86: i phone
help
me: Oh boy
Its worse than I expected
kyle.sheehan86: haha
12:38 PM ill take the daves magic fun pack please
12:39 PM me: We're fresh out
kyle.sheehan86: its the #12
12:40 PM me: We do however offer fred's semi interesting cattle prod
12:44 PM kyle.sheehan86: thats the last time i ask for the mean gene okerland cranberry sauce special

12 minutes
12:57 PM me: That's because it comes with actual bits of panther

kyle.sheehan86: GIVE ME ALL OF YOUR CHEESE!
1:13 PM me: Get your own damn cheese
1:14 PM kyle.sheehan86: youre not my real dad
1:16 PM me: That was proven in a court of law

34 minutes
2:53 PM kyle.sheehan86: cuz ive got friends in looowww places
2:56 PM me: Can I get a liter of cola
3:00 PM kyle.sheehan86: no
who do u think u are
3:01 PM i will take the half order of the halifax goat milk bread pudding tho
me: Would you like a side of black beard's delight with that?
3:06 PM kyle.sheehan86: ooo i would
and maybe a little afternoon delight as dessetr please
3:07 PM me: Yes ma'am

19 minutes
3:26 PM me: Sphincter
kyle.sheehan86: shoobie doo op
me: I don't wanna
3:29 PM kyle.sheehan86: POOPIE TIME!!!
3:32 PM me: YAYYYYYYY
3:35 PM Two 25 year old men screaming "poopie time, yay"

30 minutes
4:05 PM kyle.sheehan86: is there something wrong with that
4:14 PM me: None whatsoever

Saturday, May 21, 2011

The First

9:40 AM me: the clandestine mule does not take kindly to the new yield sign i put on the corner of fiddish and centurion blvd
9:41 AM bjduffy11: well i don't blame him
  that's a terrible intersection for a yield sign
9:42 AM me: but the last time a stop sign was in place, i ended up housing and feeding a 4 legged boa constrictor who was tossed off the back of the wagon.
9:45 AM bjduffy11: well that's what you get for trusting a Canadian kite runner with your ramen noodles

9 minutes
9:55 AM me: well i thought the kite runner was from fargo, while canadians are not to be trusted with their ramen noodles, i have found they are quite keen on facilitating jaw breakers at fairly high rate, and of course their precision at making fireball candy is unprecedented, as was noted by the famed historian dick clark in his infamous new years eve speech of '92.

7 minutes
10:02 AM bjduffy11: well what most people tend to over-look is that dick clark is indeed a canadian himself, which thereby concludes that his self interest was to preserve the reputation of jaw breaker facilitation, unfortunately creating a conflict of interest.But i think we can all agree that dick clark has broken several jaws in his prime
10:05 AM me: i couldnt agree more, who can forget that it was indeed him who sidelined carson daly for two months with his quick jab. however, it should be noted that when the terms "dick" "jaw" "break" "prime" and "reputation" are all together, one must be referring to the epic war porno "whoremandy" about a company of strippers storming the beaches of pensacola florida in an effort to rid the area of its first class women.
10:08 AM bjduffy11: ahh yes, "Whoremandy", a classic. The sequel however, "World Whore 3: Erections Galore" was a total flop. They really skimped on the production, certainly not M. Night Shamalyn's best work but unfortunately what he is most remembered for.
 me: hahahahaha
  i concede
10:09 AM m night shamalan directing a porno
 bjduffy11: hahaha
  i'd watch that
10:12 AM there'd be a twist ending where paul giamatti was pregnant the whole time and gives birth to a full grown water buffalo
10:13 AM me: hahahahahaha
10:14 AM bjduffy11: in the midst of this conversation i totally fucked up my timesheets
  accidentally submitted my hours for some week in july
  oopsie
10:16 AM me: hahahaha

29 minutes
10:45 AM me: way down under on the chattahoochie
10:49 AM bjduffy11: boner jams

6 minutes
10:55 AM bjduffy11: i hate checking my bank account after the weekend
10:56 AM me: never good

7 minutes
11:04 AM bjduffy11: fuck, marry, kill: barry manilow, punky bruester and alf
 me: wow
11:05 AM bjduffy11: yeah
  toughie
 me: f alf
marry manilow
kill punky bruster
11:06 AM bjduffy11: exactly how i would've answered
  is it gay we both would've killed the only heterosexual option?

11 minutes
11:18 AM me: hahahahahaha
  uhhh no
  its manilow
 bjduffy11: good point
 me: i present u these three options...
steven tyler, fran drescher, gilbert godfried
 bjduffy11: oh god
11:19 AM kill gilbert, fuck fran, marry steven tyler
  two of the most annoying voices in history
  that wasn't easy
 me: i think thats the only route u can go with that one
  have to get rid of the two voices
11:20 AM btw
  ive gotten into this thing
11:21 AM where i call jarrod duing the middle of the work day
  and just quietly say a couple of rap lyrics
  and hang up
  its quite entertaining
 bjduffy11: hahahahaha
11:22 AM i like it
 me: yea
  just call him up and say "shake it for the camera phone" and han gup
11:23 AM bjduffy11: haha
11:24 AM me: i won that 5k race i ran in on saturday
  got a little medal
  felt nice
  oh and in other news
 bjduffy11: ooo look at you
 me: my hair is almost slick back capable
  were right on the verge
 bjduffy11: i was going to ask you about that
 me: a couple front hairs are being troublesome
 bjduffy11: lol
11:25 AM me: i can put it in a rubber band adn the hair will be all bck
 bjduffy11: my hair is ridiculously long at the moment
  nice'
 me: yea
  very tricky to run with long hair
  im currently going with wearing a hat on my runs
 bjduffy11: gotta wear a hat or headband
  yeah i always do
11:26 AM me: to bring this convo to even greater homo heights
  where do i get mens hairbands
11:27 AM bjduffy11: i hav eno idea
  i don't think they make them, go to like CVS or something
  i just wear a bandana or hat
 me: hmm bandana
 bjduffy11: but i wouldn't recommend wearing a bandana to work
 me: interesting
  hahahaha
  i dont think so
 bjduffy11: especially backwards
  tupac style
  although if you want to establish your authority
  it helps
11:28 AM me: glad ive stuck with the hair
  theres been moments where i wnated to cut it off
  have u slicked urs back yet
11:29 AM bjduffy11: nah
  i don't think i can pull that off
 me: think u oughta give it a shot sir
11:30 AM bjduffy11: perhaps
 me: how was ur weekend
 bjduffy11: splendid
  it rained up here all weekend so didn't really do anything
11:31 AM watched Public Enemies, it was alright
  great cast, bad script
 me: ya
 bjduffy11: got my ass kicked in pixar themed monopoly
 me: oh boy
 bjduffy11: apparently buzz lightyear goes to jail a lot
11:32 AM me: racism
 bjduffy11: most likely